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urban-cryptid:

mulaney:

Uh oh! Baby Boy is on Tumblr! I’m John Mulaney and this is my first post. I am silly but also a guys’ guy. This is my best photo.

I cant believe this is actually john mulaney and not a parody blog created for the sole purpose of making this shitpost

(via relevanttosomeone)

(Source: ratqueenrise, via galvanists)

silverhawk:

i still think that theres plenty of time to behold & appreciate the elephant trunk snake ……theyre so wrinkly

(via stupiddolly)

lascocks:

when you hear the THUD of a cat landing on the floor that shouldn’t have been on the counter in the first place

(Source: o-lascaux-o, via haywood-you-fuck-off)

silverhawk:

if u want to be a farmer. then u should k now what these look like

(via g-sizzel)

Anonymous asked: you fuckinng dumbasses are wearing glasses during sex?

newtgeiszler:

hyrude:

am i expected to find the g spot by echolocation? 

you looking inside the pussy with your eyes? you crawling in there like antman?

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(via stubborndodecahedron)

noyaboya:

scottish twitter strikes again

(via makeyouleave)

milkee-way:

grimeclown:

 “hi welcome to mcdonalds what can i get for you?”

“yeah can i get a deluxe quarter pounder with cheese?”

“absolutely, do you want the meal or just the sandwich?’

“uuuuuh hold on”

*fishes something out of my pocket*

“mikey what do i do?”

“get the fries. youll need the energy in the coming days”

*stuffs it back in my pocket*

“uhh yes please  the meal would be great”

serious question: can anyone else see this post? am I hallucinating?

(via teenagegothintegrity)

littletinysmallmouse:

edward-masen:

bardstard:

rosalielesbianhale:

petition to remake all of the twilight movies where everything is the same except that bella is played by john mulaney who has not been given a script and just has to deal with these circumstances as they come.

john: (walks into the classroom)

edward: 

john:

don’t u mean

“I’m the world’s most dangerous predator, Bella. Every thing about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that… as if you could out run me… as if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill.”

(via g-sizzel)